Loch & Keye

Loch & Keye Storage and Containment
Also Known As	Loch & Keye('s)
Modus Operandi	Scouting for odd and mysterious things, then securely containing them for safety, security or future use.
Founded By	Fergus Loch and Kaden Keye.
Base Location	The moor near Coimhead, Scotland.
Areas of Operation	Anywhere there's weird stuff to find.
Governance	Fergus Loch, Kaden Keye
Known Members	Fergus Loch, Kaden Keye, Ash Ransom, Cindy Penke, Trougrask the Eviscerator (?)
Allied With	UNWD, likely others
Colour Scheme	Brown

Loch & Keye Containment and Storage (or simply Loch & Keye) is a secure storage facility, dealing mostly with storing paranormal and dangerous items, samples and artifacts. It was founded by Fergus Loch and Kaden Keye, and operates out of a large warehouse near the city of Coimhead, Scotland.

Purpose

The purpose of Loch & Keye's facilities is to contain and secure potentially dangerous and mysterious artifacts, either until scientific/research organisations need them to study or indefinitely, which is usually the case when the object is too secret to trust outside organisations with the knowledge of.

They are also used to secure found alien technology and even samples - alien eggs, embryos and other bodily samples are preserved, and live dangerous creatures - such as alien warlord Trougrask the Eviscerator - are kept in holding cells (or the cold storage) until something can be done with them.

Base of Operations

Their base is a large warehouse in the moors skirting Coimhead City, Scotland. It is located on a hilly patch of land covered in purple heather, not far (but not quite walking distance) north of the city itself.

The base itself is plain on the outside, with high-up windows. The outer walls are off-white, except for the westmost and northern walls, which are plain brick. The sign above the front doors features their names, and the logo is featured beside the doors.

The interior is fairly plain, with the main parts of the building being stone floors and brick walls, fluorescently lit and lined with huge shelves. The building is neatly organised into departments, like a library - organised by type of item (live sample, weapon, tool, wearable, etc) and then by danger on a scale of 1 to 10 (1's being harmless and 10 being extremely deadly).

Other rooms include the cold storage, the furnace/boiler room, the basement, the bathrooms (which include decontamination showers) and the staff break room. Loch and Keye have an office, used mostly for paperwork. Since doors have been known to move and materialise, it is unknown exactly how many rooms there are.

Workers and Affiliates

Loch and Keye

Fergus Loch and Kaden Keye are the founders of the organisation. They do most of the work, from collecting artifacts to storing them, securing them, taking inventory, paperwork, etc. Most other workers are helping hands, since both men are getting on in years, and the 'facility' is so large that it's difficult for them to manage it on their own.

Ash Ransom and Cindy Penke

Ash Ransom and Cindy Penke are two teenagers who work at Loch & Keye's after school and during holidays. Ash needs the money to help fund his awful band and emo merch addiction, while Cindy just works there for something to do. They also collect artifacts, take inventory, clean, organise, etc, but their work is generally less dangerous or important than Loch and Keye's.

Devil Dog and Twitch

Axel Becker and Charles Taylor, also known as Devil Dog & Twitch, are the UNWD's link to Loch and Keye. Due to their curious, try-anything nature, the UNWD often sends the boys to test Loch and Keye's artifacts and see if they're worth 'confiscating'. They are also the diplomatic link between the two factions, and are on rather friendly terms with Fergus and Kaden themselves.

Trougrask the Eviscerator

He's a bloodthirsty, tyrantuous alien warlord that lives in the cold storage. Fell through the skylight after a failed mission and many, many years in cryostasis. Rues the Earth but it's too warm for him, so he either has to find hilarious ways to stay cool or just stay in the cold storage.

Others

Temporary workers, interns and summer-job-workers come and go. There are some unseen janitors, but most janitorial duties are done by Loch, Keye, Ransom or Penke. It's said that the daring duo of Loch and Keye have eyes all over the country - supposedly all over the world - to help them scope out the newest possible finds.

List of Known artifacts Contained

Item name	Location Found	Description	Danger Rating
The Cube of Delphidanus	In a box of cereal that shouldn't have had a cube in it. It just appeared out of nowhere. Like, what?	An odd cubic device with parts sticking out of it. Theorised to be some kind of puzzle cube. Has not yet been solved.	1/10. Seems harmless.
Kataklian Brain	In the skull of a deceased Kataklian, after its craft crash-landed in Mexico, where Keye was holidaying. You should've seen how he got it through airport security.	The brain of an alien known as a Kataklian. Rumour says that eating it gives you future sight abilities, but nobody's willing to try.	1/10. It doesn't do much.
Xzorgarvian Egg	In a mine by Hurlford. It was mistaken for a large chunk of obsidian.	A big black egg. Very heavy. Scored with scratchmarks. Sometimes shakes and rumbles.	7/10. Harmless now, but when it hatches...
Ravenmask's Swords	Found inexplicably embedded in the marble of Tobias Wingmercy's statue after it was broken.	Two ornate black rapiers. Can slice through darkness, leaving trails of light, and cause bright flashes when clashed together.	4/10. They ARE swords.
Ravenmask's Cape	Found in the grave of Miles Makepiece (Wingmercy's lover), along with many love letters that were not confiscated.	A black capelet with a dark clasp. The wearer experiences some degree of flight, as if sprouting invisible wings.	3/10. Some fall and flight casualties may occur.
Flammerite Chunk	The beach.	A chunk of flammerite. Should not exist in this universe and, as such, is very unstable, but can keep coffee warm.	6/10. Dimensionally unstable, also can be hot.
Sycamore Drill	Mount Parnassus, Greece, deep within the limestone.	A drill created by Minotro. By twirling like a sycamore seed, it can bore through miles of solid rock with ease.	4/10. Only dangerous if you stand directly beneath it.
Alien spacecraft	Again, the beach.	A UFO found on a beach. Emphasis on the U.	2/10. Strange but won't switch back on.
Trougrask the Eviscerator	Inside the building (he fell from the sky, through a skylight).	Aforementioned.	9/10, very dangerous, keep him happy with pickles.
Rainbow Bone Comb	Inherited by a woman who donated it to the facility. True origins unknown.	A white comb made from bone inset with a small oval rainbow topaz. Whatever hair it combs turns a different, random colour, as Ash discovered to his horror.	2/10. You could stab someone with it, if you were REALLY determined, buuuut... Could get you in trouble with the fashion police.
Horn of the Old Gods	Donated by Erika, who wanted to keep it safe.	A large ivory horn, painted with black runes and rimmed in gold. Probably does something cool when sounded.	Judging by Erika's insistence on NOT blowing it, 8/10.
Quuartheinian Rings of Shield-Shifting	The UNWD placed these mysterious rings in storage at Loch & Keye's, though it's unknown how they got them in the first place.	These two rings are slightly spiky, but blunt to the touch, they seem to be made of some kind of stone.	1/10. The chance of the destined owner to ever find them is slim.
Ball of string	Minotro posted it to them. When asked why, he said 'it is pretty significant.'	Literally a ball of worn blue string. It seems, like, three thousand years old or something.	1/10. Why do we even keep this?
The Healing artifact of Nebnerak(On loan to Coimhead Hospital)	Handed to them by Gwen Price. Origin completely unknown	A wooden, angluar, puzzle-like construction which glows pink when near wounded, living organic matter. Can heal fractures in minutes, it's rather cool.	-5/10. It can actually fix more problems than it causes. Prolonged exposure is dangerous, though, and the indefinite lifespan it offers can lead to absence of sanity and/or delusions of grandeur.
Bad Idea Hat	Seized from a man who had been arrested for the bad ideas that ensued.	A black bowler hat with two white feathers in the band, that both causes bad ideas and impairs the wearer's judgement so that they act upon them. Theorised to be enchanted, or some kind or brain parasite.	6/10. Ideas are not necessarily dangerous unless the wearer is already dangerous-minded, but can be troublesome.
Sample of Adsecula Comoedus	Found in a South American jungle, donated for safekeeping.	A sample of the now-endangered Adsecula Comoedus, or Funnyman Mushroom. A parasitic fungus, it infects hosts through inhalation of spores. To spread, it affects the host's brain and causes them to become very funny, so that others will laugh, breathing in enough spores to become infected themselves.	7/10. Can cause adverse affects such as lung complications and irritation, amnesia, and being just too funny.
Sample of Green Eye's blood	Donated by the UNWD, who, were, like, apparently too good to keep blood samples in their own storage facility.	A small vial of UNWD agent Cathy 'Green Eye' Blanche's blood. It is hyper-caffeinated and vibrates at such a frequency that a pulse is undetectable. Can be used to restart failed hearts, cause a temporary 'Green Eye Effect', or as fuel for devices and vehicles.	6/10. Drinking too much could cause heart damage. Vial vibrates and jerks when not clamped, could hit you in the eye.
Fork everyone pretends is paranormal	I dunno, the silverware drawer or something	A normal fork that everyone makes a running joke about it being a dangerous paranormal artifact.	Like, 2/10. It's a normal fork. Everyone acts like it's a 10/10.
Enchanted photo frame	Bought from a charity shop where Cindy was volunteering.	An enchanted photo frame that allows anyone who views it to remember the events of the photo kept therein perfectly, as if reliving it in the moment. Currently holds a photo from Loch and Keye's wedding.	3/10, actually really nice if you put a beloved photo in it, but beware it could be traumatic if bad or doctored photos are put inside.
Yellow butterfly	Donated by one Penny Gaines with a strict order not to open the jar or remove the butterfly in any way.	A yellow butterfly. Flickers and flits around the jar it's contained in. Patterns seem to change with each viewing. Seems angry. Doesn't eat or die.	?/10. It's a butterfly, but, like, Gaines was super intense about it.
Para- dimensional Briefcase	Donated by an anonymous, very confused lawyer.	A leather briefcase. Has a plaque with a name scratched out on the top. Every time it is opened, it displays a different historically significant piece of paper (such as treaties, letters, photographs, ransom notes, etc). Slim chance of opening it only to find it full of omelette. Papers cannot be removed or damaged, but omelettes can.	2/10. Omelette a little too peppery for most people's tastes. Quite heavy. Snaps shut if you try to put your hand in, could hurt your fingers.
Doctor October body sample	Taken from Dr. Eden October of the UNWD.	A vial full of a strange, cold, blue, blackcurrant-flavoured liquid. Promotes healing. Kept for study, in the hopes of curing October's physical decay.	-3/10. Another healing device. Could choke on it, though.
Lustromantic crystal	'Borrowed' from forensics.	A large crystal found in the lungs of a deceased, anonymous lustromancer, caused by overuse of lustromanctic powers. Comes accompanied by gruesome autopsy photos. Attracts glitter. Kinda bloody.	3/10. Spiky. (10/10 to the lustromancer)
Original draft of Cain	Found wrapped in string on the doorstep one night before closing.	An original, author-annotated copy of Cain, the most terrifying short story in the world. Apparently, literally everybody knows about it, but nobody can recall reading it, despite every human alive inexplicably being able to quote it and name themes. Author unknown.	8/10. Inanimate and harmless if left alone, but reading parts can cause trauma, obsession and horrific nightmares, and reading fully causes death by fright.
Incredibly Dangerous Yet Incredibly Enchanting Jigsaw Puzzle	Picked up from a charity shop	A jigsaw puzzle that, although it appears normal, contains incredible malevolent power. Emits an aura that enchants people to want to finish it.	9/10. Don't finish it! You don't know what it can do! We also think a piece or two might be missing.
Time Loop Soup	Unwittingly bought from a normal shop by Keye for lunch.	Soup (currently contained in a tupperware container). It self-regenerates and keeps itself fresh and warm via time manipulation, and anyone who starts eating it will be trapped in a short, stable time loop until they finish, having to eat faster than it regenerates.	5/10. Not actually too dangerous, but time loops are never good news, and you could make yourself sick.
Dog Painting	Purchased from an art exhibition	A painting of a dog that actually contains the soul of a former dog. The dog depicted in the painting moves and changes position when not observed. Sometimes communicates telepathically; seems happy and content. Dog speaks English, Welsh, German, Russian, Xhosa, Navajo and Latin conversationally.	0/10. Very nice! A very good dog!
D61,459 Dice	Found on the ball rack of an abandoned, heavily damaged Glasgow bowling alley	A black plastic 61,459-sided dice, prickly to the touch. Seemingly circular but on closer inspection is a mathematically impossible tessellation of polygons varying from 19 sides to somewhere between 0 and 1 side. We're not even sure if that's the amount of sides it has, we've needed electron microscopes to make out the numbers, considering they're all written in dots.	9/10. Rolling it slightly warps the spatial structure of the surface it hits, increasingly the higher the number rolled. If it lands on its maximum we'll probably have total space-time causality collapse on our hands. We keep it locked in a gyroscopic container.
Singularity Calculator	Down the back of the Quigley house's sofa. They handed it to us because it confused them.	A really 70s-looking calculator, made from Bakelite or something. The back has the words 'GENUINE FISSION-POWERED CALCULATOR: THE MOST POWERFUL EVER!'. If any buttons are pressed in any order, the equation '√-1' appears on the screen. Pressing the equal key brings up the message 'R U SURE?' followed by 'NOT ADVISED' if pressed again.	7/10. If the sum is committed to, 'CALCULATING...' and a percentage appears on the screen. Increasingly high-pitched humming and bright light is emitted. We've always switched it off before it can even reach 50%. Our Geiger counter goes crazy if the screws on the back are loosened. Just use the calculator apps on your phones, people!
Werewolf Fang	Extracted by Loch and Keye from the maw of a mighty wolfman	A large fang, sourced organically from a wolfman who had bitten Loch back in '92. Keye used the fang's venom to concoct a cure for Loch, who had become infected.	7/10. Could be used to fashion some kind of knife. Pointy, still contains some venom.
The Drunken Swordsman.	It's just there!	SwagLord's popular pub. Sometimes materialises behind random doors. Sometimes just kind of appears in the warehouse. Not so much an 'artefact' as a weird anomaly of the location.	3/10. SwagLord seems respectful and can sort out bar fights himself. He's an OK guy.
Music Box (A)	Donated via post by an anonymous benefactor.	A small, pearl-pink music box. When wound, anyone within earshot becomes increasingly enraged as the music progresses. This rage only stops when the music does - either via the box winding down or being destroyed in the carnage.	8/10. According to a letter attached to the original donation, the increasing rage caused by the tune can lead to murder.
Deck of Weirdly Specific Tarots	Found in an abandoned, condemned apartment block.	A black-sleeved deck of cards. When one is pulled, it reveals a weirdly specific tarot of the person they dealer is thinking of, with a title and image that cryptically allude to that person's true nature.	1/10. The deck itself does no harm. You only have to fear it if it could reveal something that you have to hide.
Loch's Ghost Camera	Found in an attic when Loch was a child; donated to containment by Loch himself.	An old polaroid instant camera owned by Fergus Loch in his childhood. The photos taken show ghosts and past tragedies.	0/10. It's a camera. Upsetting, but not harmful.
Silver Bell	The only thing in a locked case found, slightly burnt, at the bottom of a lake bed. Someone clearly had strong opinions on how much they wanted not to keep this.	It's a silver bell, of the sort you'd expect to find on a hotel reception desk. It gives off strong supernatural vibes but doesn't seem to do anything. We tried ringing it as soon as we found it but there was no visible effect, haven't tried again.	0/10. It made a sort of dull, rusty clinking noise when we rung it. Not particularly exciting. Though Ash did swear something or other about seeing some sort of figure come out of a pond in the distance when we rang it. Bizarre. Whatever, man.
P.H.I.L. Gun	Given to L&K by the UNWD. Originally from a meteorite found in Yorkshire.	A silver, rounded barrel with an odd, unusable-except-by-slugs trigger. Fires a high-powered yellow laser.	6/10. It's a gun, but only dangerous if a slug uses it. Otherwise... could have some weird chemicals in it? But should be fine.
BALL.	Thrown at Keye while strolling around the moors that surround the building. Identity of the thrower is unknown.	A small, round, slightly battered tennis ball. Neutral when stationary; when thrown, it emits an intense psychological attraction that makes people temporarily lose themselves and drop everything to chase it.	3/10. You could bean someone with it, but the only real danger is if someone throws it towards danger, because everyone else WILL follow it.

List will be added to whenever more are revealed.

Trivia

• Their name is, obviously, a pun on the phrase 'under lock and key'. It's also why neither Loch nor Keye took the other's name when they married, in order to keep the pun alive.
• It has been considered the Healing artifact of Nebnerak could be used to treat Doctor October, but it's been in such constant use by the hospital 24/7 no-one's had the chance to test that yet.